Alien Jesus!

The Vatican has said for a while that it no longer rules out the possibility of extraterrestrial life. That there could be other creatures out there, also created by God, equally intelligent to humanity.

Equally intelligent, mind! He’s hardly going to make us dumber than the nibbernauts of Planet Squirm! That would be ridiculous.

If aliens are out there, the church reckons, it’s possible they never had any regretful apple-stealing incidents in their pasts, and therefore could have “remained in full friendship with their creator”. What a bunch of goody three-shoes.

Alien Jesus jpgOn the other hand, maybe they failed a similar test as us. What if God created the first two nibbernauts, then said ‘Now listen up, you two – you may not have any berries from this glargberry bush. You hear me? Everybody, stay away from the glarg berries.’ And, like any young person discovering their boundaries, the young nibbernaut female took a berry and dropped it down her swallowing tube.

God: Goodness me! Why won’t anyone stay away from the delicious fruit that I create and then say no one can have any of, for no obvious reason, except to secretly test people who are hours old and then condemn their descendants who weren’t even here for the rest of time? Is it that much to ask?

If, posits old churchy wurch, the aliens did commit such an original sin, then they could later have benefited from a similar event as Jesus coming to Earth in the flesh to redeem us humans.

That’s right, everybody – alien Jesus. Which to me summons up images of an alien on a cross, maybe with extra beams to handle all his tentacles.

In this circumstance, is it the same Jesus as we got? The same guy, getting put in different bodies, sent to different planets – sometimes he’s human, sometimes he’s a nibbernaut, sometimes he’s a crab person.

God: All right, Jesus my boy, time to do the next planet!

Jesus: Aw, come on, dad. I’ve been crucified across the entire fucking milky way! Every time you create a new planet, you tell them, you know, don’t eat the glarg berries, or whatever, and they always fucking do, of course. And then you send me down there to get nailed to something. You’re a weird old arsehole, dad.

If there was an alien Jesus, you’ve got to expect there would be breakaway contingents of aliens who don’t even believe in him. Or aliens who believe in variations on the theme, except they think only they are right, so they do things like cut the tips off their reproductive feelers, or hijack UFOs in order to crash them into important alien buildings, such as the Slime Depository.