My International Comedy Career
In continuing this so far brief and sporadic theme of detailing historic moments from my illustrious twenty year long comedy career, I bring you the amazing second instalment, which covers my stand-up adventures abroad. Yes, I am glad to claim that, amongst the many honourifics bestowed upon me over the years (such as ‘Mr’), I am also an International Stand-up Comedian.
In fact, I once performed on a beach in Thailand! What happened was, me and some friends were sitting around drinking too many cocktails by the beach like the fat lazy westerners we were, and down on the sand this street performer-type-guy starts hosting a show of various acts. It was a shithouse show, full of boring juggling and fire twirling and tightrope walking across a line that was unperilously close to the ground, the kind of stuff you only need to see once in your life, if ever. However, because the guy was another Aussie, and looked kind of like a mate of mine from back home, and I was drunk, I thought it would be a great idea to go and tell him I was a comic, and if he wanted me to perform in his terrible show that was something I would definitely consider.
I approached and announced myself. The host guy turned out to be very friendly, entirely accommodating and brazenly enthusiastic, accepting my boasts that I was awesome in an amazing show of blind good faith. He even said I could go on next if I wanted! I agreed to his terms and thus, not many moments later, found myself being introduced over a crackling headset mic to the scattered crowd of drunken tourists who had been ‘enjoying’ the show so far. I strode across the sand to take the mic, confident that its evident faultiness would prove no hindrance to me, since I had already seen how adequately it communicated the concept of ‘oop!’ whenever the host tossed another juggling thing in the air. I then launched into my wonderful standup routine, which requires a firm grasp of the English language, to a crowd of Thai, French, Swedish, Russian, African – you name it, all the flavours the world has to offer – people, through loudly buzzing broken audio equipment.
My audience regarded with me the kind of politely puzzled expressions that comedians everywhere crave. I smiled to let them know that everything was okay, then proceeded to tell them more funny jokes in English. After a while I found myself wishing I had some firesticks, having developed a new appreciation for the way they transcend the language barrier, or at least a method to ignite the cocktail fumes emanating from me and make a spontaneous exit.
Instead, after a few more minutes, I decided it was time to get off. I said, ‘well, that’s me done, so welcome back to the stage, er … um …’
Try as I might, I could not recall my generous risk-taking host’s name. It wasn’t the name of the mate he had reminded me of, I knew that much, but that still left a whole bunch of other names to guess from.
‘Give it up for … that guy over there! Your MC! Give it up for … him … ladies and gentlemen! What a great guy … he … is!’
I think everyone was very relieved to see him return, probably with an oversized deck of cards or something.
My friends thought it was all very funny, of course. Certainly, for me, it was a gig I shall treasure the memory of for as long as my mind is still functioning.
And that’s my international comedy career thus far! Can’t wait to find out what happens next!