5 Reasons Why There Will Never Be a Zombie Apocalypse

It’s not just because there’s no such thing as zombies. There’s much better reasons than that!

1) We Would All Know What To Do Right From the Start

In zombie movies, no one has ever seen a zombie movie. Sometimes, characters don’t even know what to call zombies. At the beginning of the Walking Dead, everyone is like, ‘So these reanimated corpses who want to eat us – what’s a good name for something like that? I know, how about “walkers”? Got a nice ring to it, yeah? I mean, they do walk around a fair bit, yeah?’

ZOMBIES, you idiots! Those are ZOMBIES.

Luckily we non-fictitious people have seen enough zombie stuff that, should we ever actually meet one, we will know exactly what to do, such as cave its head in.

We’ve absorbed a bunch of other guidelines too, such as:

  • Don’t approach someone who has their back to you, who doesn’t answer when you repeatedly whisper their name, and reach out, and touch them on the shoulder, you moron.
  • Don’t conceal a zombie inflicted wound while hanging out with your best friends and loved ones. Idiot!
  • Even if the zombie is your mum, just get on with what needs to be done, pronto.

There would be no period of everyone running around not knowing what’s the hell’s going on, which is when zombies often get a leg over, so to speak. Instead, as soon as ANYONE saw even ONE zombie, they would simply tell everyone else instantly via the internet.

‘Hey, be careful, you guys,’ they will say, ‘there are zombies now. Here’s a video of one on my phone. See?’

And we’ll all be like, ‘Well, good thing we know how to deal with those, eh?’

2) We Will Not Conveniently Skip Past the Outbreak Stage

Many zombie stories start some time after the outbreak has already happened. Like in 28 Days Later, the main character wakes up in a hospital bed with no idea what has been going down. Or in the Walking Dead, the main character wakes up in a hospital bed with no idea what has been going down. Or in Resident Evil, the main character wakes up in a bathroom (breaking new ground) and yet, similarly to the previous examples, she has little to no idea about what has indeed been going, as they say, down.

Is it simply too hard to explain how the world could possibly become totally overrun with zombies? Because in reality, zombies would be cake to deal with? Because they’re idiots?

3) Zombies Cannot Get Through Strong Doors

Houses are designed to keep out people. People are smart, can climb, pick locks, and pretend to be a delivery guy. Zombies can’t do any of this. The only way zombies get through strong doors is when they achieve critical mass, and that will never happen. Why? Because see the points above!

The moment there are even a few zombies shambling around the streets, EVERYONE will go into their houses and shut the doors. We would do this WELL BEFORE the zombies EVER reached a critical mass. Conversations like this would not occur:

John: Hey, there sure are a few zombies out on these streets today, huh?
Steve: There sure are!
John: Maybe we should go into our houses and lock the doors?
Steve: Nah, not until they reach critical mass!

Once in our houses we’ll all climb onto our balconies and roofs and chuck pot plants down on the zombies’ heads. We’ll call to each other with helpful, zombie killing suggestions and encouragement. We’ll stand inside our locked grill doors and poke chopsticks through the bars into zombie eyeballs all day, for however long is necessary.

4) Even If They Achieve Critical Mass, Zombies Will Still Be Easy To Deal With

Here are some simple ways to clear out zombies:

  • Get on a boat and go out into the harbour, then blare your horns and shout and wave. The zombies will all pile into the harbour, where they will become a lot more manageable.
  • Dangle a screaming child off a cliff. The zombies will hear her and pile over the cliff trying to get her, only to smash to pieces on the rocks below. Once all the zombies are dead, hoist up the child, pat her on the head, and tell her everything is going to be all right.
  • You could also use a recording of a screaming child if a real one is not available.
  • Cover a large area with gasoline and get a screaming child or a recording of one, yada yada yada, etc.
5) Zombie Stories Are Aspirational

If you’re a fan of the zombie genre, you probably enjoy imagining what YOU would be like in the zombie apocalypse. After all:

  • You reckon you’d do great
  • You’d either save your family or fly solo with a hard luck story
  • You’d get to fight stuff and live by your wits
  • You could go into supermarkets and just take whatever you like

Plus, the world would be simple again. It would be a world without phones and parking fines, politicians and greedy corporations hell bent on ruining everything. A world unburdened by rules, regulations, government control and law, of invisible bars closing in on our very braaains.

The zombie apocalypse would be a great leveller, an equaliser beyond measure, and during it, in a way, the survivors would be free.

Zombie stories are children’s stories for adults. And just like there isn’t any real chance of a kid meeting a friendly talking squirrel, the sad fact is that we probably won’t ever get to find out how we’d personally fare in the zombie apocalypse. Even if zombies do turn up, somebody else will likely step in and deal with them, long before they have a chance to take over the world.

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news!