Reasons Why There Will Never Be a Zombie Apocalypse

There will never be a zombie apocalypse, and not simply because there’s no such thing as zombies. There are much better reasons than that!

1) We Would All Know What To Do

In zombie movies, no has ever seen a zombie movie. Sometimes, characters don’t even know what to call zombies. Like at the beginning of the Walking Dead, everyone is like, ‘So these reanimated corpses who want to eat us – what’s a good name for something like that? I know, how about “walkers”? Got a nice ring to it, yeah? I mean they do walk around a fair bit, right?’

ZOMBIES, you idiots! Those are ZOMBIES.

Luckily us nonfictional people have experienced enough zombie stuff to know what to do should we ever actually meet a zombie, such as smash its head in. We have absorbed a bunch of other guidelines too, such as:

– Don’t approach someone who has their back to you, but who doesn’t answer when you repeatedly whisper their name, and reach out, and touch them on the shoulder, you moron.
– Don’t conceal a zombie inflicted wound while hanging out with your best friends and loved ones. Idiot!
– Even if the zombie is your mum, don’t fuck about.

Thanks to this assimilated knowledge, there would be period in which everyone is running about not knowing what’s the hell’s going on, which is when zombies often get a leg over, so to speak. Instead, as soon as ANYONE sees even ONE zombie, they will simply tell everyone else via the interconnected global network (or ‘connectwork’, as I call it). ‘Hey, be careful, you guys,’ they will say, ‘there are zombies now, apparently.’ And we’ll all be like, ‘Well, good thing we know how to deal with those, eh?’

2) We Will Not Conveniently Skip Past the Outbreak Stage

Many zombie stories start some time after the outbreak has already happened. Like in 28 Days Later, the main character wakes up in a hospital bed with no idea what has been going down. Or in the Walking Dead, the main character wakes up in a hospital bed with no idea what has been going down. Or in Resident Evil, the main character wakes up in a bathroom (weeee) and yet, similarly to the previous examples, she has little to no idea about what has indeed been going, as they say, down.

Is it simply too hard to explain how the world could possibly become totally overrun with zombies? Because in reality, zombies would be cake to deal with?

One exception might be the fast moving and fast infecting zombies of 28 Days Later, even though I used that movie to support my point when it suited me. But really, the zombies in 28 Days Later are not very traditional, so I’m going to ignore them and I kinda wish I hadn’t brought them up.

3) Zombies Cannot Get Through Strong Doors

Houses are designed to keep out people. People are smart, can climb, pick locks, and pretend to be a delivery guy. Zombies can’t do these things. The only way zombies get through strong doors is when they achieve critical mass, and that will never happen. Why? Because the moment there are even a few zombies out on the streets, EVERYONE’S first instinct will be to go into their houses and shut the doors. We would do this WELL BEFORE the zombies EVER reached a critical mass. Conversations like this would not occur:

John: Hey Steve, there sure are a few zombies on these streets today, huh?
Steve: There sure are!
John: Maybe we should go into our houses and lock the doors?
Steve: Nah, not until they reach a critical mass!

Once in our houses we’ll all climb onto our balconies and roofs and chuck pot plants down on the zombies’ heads. We’ll call to each other with helpful, zombie killing suggestions and encouragement. We’ll stand inside our locked grill doors and poke chopsticks through the bars into zombie eyeballs all day long. We can just all camp out and do this for however long is necessary.

4) Zombies Are Stupid

Yes, this is kind of the point of zombies. They’re stupid, they flock (note to self: not sure if ‘flock’ is really the right word) in from all directions and overwhelm with sheer numbers and unceasing-ness. Even if we put aside the fact that things would never actually get to that stage (see points 1, 2 and 3), even if it did, zombies would STILL be easy to deal with.

Here are some easy ways to clear out zombies:

– Get on a boat in the harbour, blare your horns and wave and shout a lot. The zombies will all pile into the harbour, where they will sink, get swept away, or simply become a lot more manageable.
– Dangle a screaming child off a cliff. The zombies will hear her and pile over the cliff trying to get her, only to smash apart on the rocks below. When all the zombies are dead, hoist up the child, pat her on the head, and tell her everything is going to be all right.
– You could also use a recording of a screaming child if a real one is not available.
– Cover a large area with gasoline and get a screaming child or a recording of one, yada yada yada, etc.

5) Zombie Stories Are Aspirational

With many stories, especially children’s stories, the audience can imagine themselves taking part. If you are a fan of the zombie genre, you probably enjoy imagining what YOU would be like in the zombie apocalypse. After all:

– You get to be a hero
– You get to save your family (or fly solo with a hard luck story)
– You get to fight stuff and live by your wits
– You can go into supermarkets and take whatever you can find

The world would be simple again. It would be a world without phones and parking fines, politicians and greedy corporations hell bent on ruining everything. A world unburdened by rules and regulations, of government control and law, of invisible bars closing in on our very BRAINS. The zombie apocalypse would be a great leveller, an equaliser beyond measure, and afterwards, in a way, the survivors would be free.

Zombie stories are children’s stories for adults. And just like there isn’t any real chance of a kid meeting a friendly talking squirrel, the sad fact is that you and I probably won’t ever get to find out how we’d fare in the zombie apocalypse. Even if zombies do turn up one day, somebody else will likely step in and deal with them long before the world as we know it falls apart.

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news!