You’ll Never Guess What I Got For Free at Woolworths!
Look at this great stuff I was given for free!
What are these things? Well, they are no less than plastic dominoes wrapped individually in plastic! On them are pictures of Pixar movie characters which are freely available on your TV, the internet, the cinema, and on the sides of buses everywhere. But now you don’t have to go outside or turn on your computer or walk past a television to see these images – you can own them for yourself, if you get lucky like me!
See? What a great picture! If I owned a domino that had this picture on it, I could take it out (of my prized possessions box) and look at it whenever I wanted! Oh wait! I do! Amazing.
I can’t wait to write a letter to the people of the future, who are always asking whining on about why the earth has been left an apocalyptic smoking wasteland, to explain that, even though we present-dayers all knew we were pulling down mother nature’s bloomers (yes, she wears bloomers, haha) and bending her over a pinball machine, it was very important to us to get free, individually wrapped, plastic dominoes promoting movie franchises, because we simply didn’t have enough pointless shit in our fun little lives! And even if that meant creating non-biodegradable artefacts out of disappearing resources for no purpose other than to feed the corporate mill, by golly it was worth it. I MEAN, HAVE YOU SEEN THESE THINGS?
Why put a stop to such behaviour, we reasoned, when the end is already so plainly in sight!? We can’t stop now! I only hope that somebody out there has more children quickly, so there will be reason to print even more of these things! IF ONLY SOMEBODY SOMEWHERE WOULD HAVE MORE KIDS!!!
You’re probably asking by now ‘where exactly did you get these amazing dominoes, so that I can rush out to get some myself, lest the emptiness in my life overwhelm me?’. Well, dear dominoes aficionados, I got these simply for purchasing a bunch of groceries at Woolworths! That’s right – what happened was, I paying at the checkout, and this lovely checkout lady said something to me like ‘mumble mumble (bling! bling!) mumble mumble, for free? (bling!)’
‘What?’ I said.
‘She’s asking if you want one of those Monsters Inc things,’ said my house mate, who was also buying his groceries that day. ‘You could give it to Leo.’
Leo is my nephew, who will soon be one of the benefactors of the beautiful world we are creating!
‘Oh, okay,’ I said, not really thinking about the free gift I was about to receive. I’m glad I didn’t, because if I had, pure anticipation would have eaten through my stomach lining and killed me right where I stood!
Checkout Lady proceeded to review my receipt, apparently working out how many of these dominoes I was entitled to for what I had just spent. I had thought it was just going to be one, but no! It seems you get a domino for like, every twenty bucks you spend, or something! Just think, if you merely spent several hundred thousand dollars at Woolworths, you might get enough of a set going on to actually play dominoes with, if they were weighted properly!
So Checkout Lady counts out a wonderful TWELVE OR SO of these plastic-wrapped plastic things into my reusable green canvas shopping bag, with a deliciously ironic disregard for the reason such things even exist in the first place! It was so funny!
Thank you Woolworths and thank you Pixar – please do not slow down, or give one single responsible thought to what you do! As long as you guys make money, everyone is happy! Everyone who is alive, that is, for a little while longer!
And thanks once again for wrapping each one! The LAST THING anybody needs is dirty dominoes!
And then I got home and ate what I’d bought at Woolworths for lunch!
Damnit, I actually need some of those dominoes. Throw me a 17!
P.S. Your food is boring. I was expecting aged hommus or herrings in vinegar.
We narrowly averted post-traumatic stress disorder at Woolworths too, when the checkout lady kindly (but unbidden) placed a little packet of these in our shopping. You might be interested in this guide on popular australian mummy website mamamia informing parents how to get the entire set of dominos. Surprisingly the advice doesn’t include; ‘Wait patiently. After all, this craze will blow itself out in about a month. The dominos, on the other hand, will still be around in about 2000 years time”.